In September of 1985 my partner Nado and I went to a medical doctor. He tested us both for HIV and we were positive. The test used was the ELISA. Nado was bisexual, he didn't discuss it, but i knew. Eventhough we were very informed about AIDS, it wasn't part of my reality. It was fiction. I never even considered it might enter my life.

Our first reaction was denial then panic. This was 1985, the year of the beginning wave of panic about AIDS. By mid November i was very tired with a fever and my body was starting to deteriorate. I was losing alot of weight but i was happy about that. Most of my life i've been overweight. I also had diarrhoea, candida and thrush. I was in total denial and anger alot of the time. Eventhough i had alot of symptoms that indicated AIDS i would not put them together and draw that horrible conclusion. I'm merely run down and weak, i thought to myself. My first reaction to the diagnosis was sadness, then anger. All aspects of the media were so negative and destructive, denying the right to hope in their unequivocal statements that the disease is fatal. I too, accepted death as the ultimate destination and lived day to day.

Throughout my life i've been a seeker, searching for the meaning of life and spiritual fulfilment.I learned a meditation which i brought into my life and practiced every day. The meditation lasts an hour. It helped me so much. The other thing i did was take long walks on the beach. It was as if i wanted to, and had to get back to nature. I didn't know how to react after being given the news from the doctor. I straightened my affairs in a legal way for my two children. I got the best life insurance i could get. I didn't even think about healing. I didn't want to read a single thing about AIDS. I tried to isolate myself from the media and its negative publicity.

When i was a child i was subject to much illness. I learned how to manipulate illness. I also learned an instinctive distrust of doctors. In approach to medication I tend to the holistic approach but i'm also very practical. I'll never deny using it when a specific medication seems to be the answer. In 1986 Nado died. I'm not really familiar with his disease record. I know he was raised in the far East and had many endemic illnesses as a child. He was a dancer and a poet and he wrote more than ever during the last six months of his life. He was exploding with creativity. He had no interest in my forms of healing. His healing was happening on another plane. Death was his choice, but i chose to live.

AIDS is considered to be a sexually transmitted disease. It is believed to affect those who have a previous history of sexually transmitted disease. I have never had any other forms of disease. Before my life with Nado i was promiscuous. I was also bisexual. However, i do not feel that my lifestyle was in any way involved in contracting this illness. I have never smoked cigarettes or marijuana or taken drugs. I have not had transfusions or antibiotics.

There is a psychological aspect to AIDS. I felt it. It seemed as if i were a total outcast. It was the feeling that i was different, the feeling that i had a burden on me, that AIDS was something to be ashamed of. I wasn't ashamed of myself but i assumed people would reject me because i had AIDS. They'd avoid me or look down on me. I wouldn't go to a doctor for treatment and part of my plan was a new diet. I realised that my diet wasn't good. Although i was a vegetarian i wasn't eating properly. I detoxified my body with a similar effect to that of a fast. Still, i did not think of the possibility of healing or getting well. A few months later i started to feel strong. The diarrhoea stopped and i wasn't as tired. I was eating well and seeing only friends who were loving and supportive. I was not seeking health or a cure. I was reading alot of books of a spiritual nature.

Without realising it my character was changing. I was much more at peace. I didn't feel pushed anymore, i didn't have to accomplish anything. From always being a doer, i suddenly became someone who could go with the flow. With the walks and listening to beautiful music, my life became very simple. I was much happier than I'd ever been before. I had a craving to be in contact with nature completely.

In February i was walking along the beach when i received a flash, an insight that told me, 'you're healed. You're fine, you're healed.' Right after that i called the Suffolk County Medical department for a retesting. I got three negative results. I showed no sign of the virus. The Suffolk County Health Dept. were asking for more and more blood. I really wanted to know what they were doing with it but i've never been told. I felt so alone until I met Anita, George and Bill-other people already in remission. I realise i'm not the only one to survive AIDS. The statement of the media that AIDS is 100% fatal is not true.

Through my work with SHARE (Self Healing AIDS Related Experiment) I have come in contact with many people. Some don't want to live, and they die. Some want to live, and they die. Some want to live, and they do live. I feel that some deaths are the result of the body being too far gone, whether from the infection, or from the body's condition when the infection was contracted. I really believe that some PWA's die because in the process of doing everything required to achieve a cure, they really find what they have to learn in this lifetime. No one does anything wrong although many people forget to love and accept themselves unconditionally. My choice was to live. I was talking to one of my friends after Nado died. I said, it's amazing. I have so much guilt and pain and love. What came up in the discussion was my knowing that I can create the disease in me again very easily.

We all have AIDS. One has it in his body and his mind. We all suffer from the illness. Just look at the media. We are ill. We are suffering because of the media. People are fearful of even mentioning AIDS. It's in everything, politics, economics. There is an epidemic of fear.

My lifestyle has changed alot since AIDS. Diet is very important but what works for me may not work for someone else. Listen to the inner voice, trust it and follow it. Life is the greatest gift. Before i took life for granted. We have a need to create a space for people to be, to make their choice. We also have emergency situations to take care of. These are my future plans: to aid people and to influence the media so they see the positive aspects of AIDS. Since i tested positive i was helped by reading many books.

I consider this disease the greatest blessing of my life. This disease has revealed what's inside me. I have discovered the person that i am. This knowledge has helped  to assist others. Among other things, it taught me the value of my inner strength, my inner voice. It gave me the strength to trust my intuition, to listen to what was happening inside me and to say 'no' to the rest of the planet. I've learned the importance of turning the other cheek with AIDS. I want to change the course of the doom energy. I want to spread love and receive love. Everyone must seek their own cure but one piece of advice i would share is 'love yourself unconditionally.'