"I've been HIV positive for 16 years. I'm a writer and performer, and in my work I emphasize survival and self-determination over the usual death and medical dependency associated with HIV. It's not like I want to second-guess the medical profession, but I have to go with what I know in my heart.

" In the fall of 1996, I came down with PCP pneumonia, one of the hallmark AIDS diseases. I was scared and this was when the cocktails first started coming out, so I decided to try them. I also took drugs for the PCP but when it cleared up, I stopped and just stayed on the cocktail.

" All my numbers were great. My T cells were up, and my viral load was down. But I felt awful. Here I was, a vegetarian who never even took aspirin, and all of a sudden I'm on all these powerful drugs. I had to take pills three or four times a day, some with meals, some without. My whole life revolved around drugs. I was all bloated and kept breaking out into rashes. I had to keep getting up through the night and go to the bathroom, so I was always exhausted. I had horrible neuropathy in my feet to the point where I could hardly walk. I felt my body falling apart, not from HIV, but from the drugs. I was always very aware of my body, and I could feel that I was putting poison into it.

" I finally went to my doctors and told them I didn't want to take the drugs anymore, and they called me a fool. They were very dramatic and told me it was suicide to stop. So instead of stopping, I went on a new combination of drugs. My speech was slurred and I kept losing my equilibrium. When I fell down a flight of stairs at my house, that was the last straw. I just stopped taking them. My T cells went down and my viral load went up, but I felt healthy again. Two years after quitting the treatment, I feel better than ever."